The following is a word-for-word transcription of an audio cassette discovered on the desk of Jonathan D. Rosencrantz, presented as found, unedited.
[click]
...Hello? Test. Test. This is Jon Rosencrantz. I wanted to get this down for posterity’s sake, in the event that... Well, just in case.
I work as a history teacher at the local community college campus. My story starts on the first day of classes. I had handed out copies of the syllabus and was introducing myself to the sea of new faces. In the back, I noticed a “Sleepy Pete” with his head down. That’s my fun name for the little rascals who stay up too late partying and make it my problem the next day. It’s not unusual to get at least one of these in a class, especially on the first day. I gently called him out.
“Excuse me? Sir? Sleepy Pete?”
The boy raised his head and blearily looked in my direction. I’ve seen his type in my class a million times before. Long, unkempt hair. Baggy clothes covered in stains. Probably idolizes that “Bart Simpson” scoundrel.
“H...How did you know my name?” he finally croaked out. I guess his name really is Pete, but he goes by something else. I’ve never been good at learning students’ names unless they cause trouble. I would be remembering Pete.
I continued my introduction to the class. I told them all about how I try to help make history interesting. You see, I fancy myself a bit of a conspiracy buff. Just because a book says an event happened one way or for another reason doesn’t make it so in MY book. And I like to sprinkle these ideas in to help students keep an open mind while I teach these state-mandated “facts.”
Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not one of the crazy ones. I don’t believe in a flat earth. I’m not the type that believes outer space isn’t real. Of course it is! That’s where the aliens live.
As I continued talking to the class, I noticed out of the corner of my eye ol’ Pete giving me a strange look, but I chalked it up to him maybe being a little cranky after getting his nap interrupted.
Two days later, a student had gotten me sidetracked by asking my thoughts on the JFK assassination. I tried to keep it succinct. He [TAPE WARBLES AND HISSES]’ve all heard the story.
As I was going over it, I once again noticed Pete staring me down. He leaned back in his chair while maintaining his gaze. I could see some words written on his shirt. “STOP IT.”
Between the look in his eyes and the message on his shirt, I couldn’t help but feel a little threatened. I considered telling someone about it, but I’ve overreacted to students in the past. I got chewed out once for accusing a girl of being a lizard person. But no HUMAN licks their lips that much, in my defense. Apparently her lip gloss tasted good.
So I did my best to ignore Pete, but in the next class he once again was giving me the stink eye, and this time he wore a shirt that simply said “NO.” I couldn’t help it. After class, I pulled him aside and tried to gently broach the subject.
“Pete... Is everything okay?”
He gave a confused look, then looked around at the other students walking by. “Yeah, why?”
Was it really all in my head? I decided to shrug the whole thing off. I told him to have a good weekend and went about my day.
By Monday, I had almost entirely forgotten the whole thing. At least until I saw Pete again. As I gave my lecture, he once again was staring me down. If it had only been that, maybe I could’ve ignored it. Maybe this kid just looks a little scary by default. Some people just get dealt a bad hand. I mean face.
But Pete was wearing another shirt with a threatening message on it. This time it seemed much harder to misinterpret. “JONATHAN ROSENCRANTZ I’M COMING FOR YOU TONIGHT.”
I tried my best to keep my cool during class, though I’m sure several students were curious about my flop sweat. Afterwards, I again pulled Pete aside to ask him about the shirt.
“What about my shirt?” he asked. I truly couldn’t tell if he was toying with me.
“That’s my name on your shirt! What are you trying to tell me?”
He confusedly looked down at his shirt. “Oh really? Wow, weird coincidence. This is just some old indie band shirt I took from my dad. That’s cool.”
Could there really be a music group with that name? I never was good at keeping track of these things. Too worried about the subliminal government propaganda. Nobody ever stops to think what the “groove thang” is that you’re being told to “shake.”
Again I decided to drop it. Another student was standing nearby, and I didn’t want to risk embarrassing myself in front of others just for some punk kid. What’s the worst he could do, anyway? Tell me to “eat his shorts?”
But that was earlier today, and now that it’s officially NIGHT, I can’t help but be a little on edge. I’m sure it’s nothing, but I’ll feel much better once the morning comes. In the meantime, I decided to record this tape, mostly as a way to sort through my thoughts and calm myself down. I think it’s helped. I mean how would he even know where I li-[LOUD BANGING]
[BOOM]
No! NO!!
“JONATHAN ROSENCRANTZ”
Why are you HERE?! Get out before I call the cops!
“YOU KNOW WHY I’M HERE, JONATHAN. YOU’VE BEEN PLAYING DUMB ALL WEEK, BUT YOU’VE GIVEN ME ALL THE EVIDENCE I NEED. YOU KNOW TOO MUCH.”
I... I don’t know what you mean!
“EVERY CLASS FOR A WEEK. YOU’VE GIVEN AWAY FORBIDDEN INFORMATION. INFORMATION NOT WRITTEN IN ANY OF YOUR TEXTBOOKS. YOU KNOW ABOUT THE MOON LANDING. YOU KNOW ABOUT ELVIS. YOU KNOW ABOUT JOHN KENNEDY. I HAVE GIVEN YOU SUFFICIENT WARNINGS AND YET YOU DID NOT STOP. YOU ONLY ATTEMPTED TO OUT ME IN FRONT OF YOUR STUDENTS.”
What? Oh my god. No, those are only theories! They’re just fun to think about! I don’t have any proof! I don’t know anything!
“YOU CAN’T MAKE THAT CLAIM. YOU KNOW MY TRUE NAME. SCHLEEPEPEET. THAT IS NO COINCIDENCE.”
“SLEEPY PETE?” That’s just a nickname!
“ENOUGH. I MUST ERASE ALL TRACES OF THE FORBIDDEN KNOWLEDGE AND DISPOSE OF YOU JUST AS OUR SPECIES DID TO KENNEDY AND ELVIS.”
N-[?????, TAPE HISS, END OF RECORDING]
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